Are you there, God? It’s me… Robert.

It was bound to happen. You can’t spend inordinate amounts of time sloshing around seething conjectures without skirting the edges of theology.

I’m not about to make any bold statements about the possible ipso facto existence of an all-powerful creator. I certainly am not about to point a finger towards which religion I feel holds more validated claims. I try to stay away from people’s primal lifelines when I debate a subject. Telling someone that their über being was chosen because it’s story looked better on the stone carvings, is not only blasphemous, but highly inconsiderate as well. 

As a matter of fact, the focus of my rant is derived from a few untraditional Christian viewpoints.

So to continue my rant… Those who think God is a woman please stand up.

Now sit down because you’re crazy.

Hold on, simmer down ladies, I don’t mean to discredit the fairer sex in anyway but it just doesn’t fit.

Point number one, the human form. In following the belief of Adam and Eve both were born naked, not one stitch of clothing. All the important things to the human anatomy in a well packaged bundle. If God were a woman, there definitely would have been some creative designs and accessorizing.  Perhaps dangling the tonsils on the outside to elongate the face.

Point number two is perhaps the most poignant. What female God would make it so hard for some women to have orgasms and find “G-spots” while guys can finish by accidentally rubbing up against the living room recliner. Well maybe not the recliner, but you do get my point.

Now let’s move forward from creation a few centuries through the biblical timeline, to our good friend Noah. 

Now the kind of anger in that tale is definitely not of a woman. When guys blow up, they do it big and damn the consequences. Forty days of storms is definitely masculine rage. A woman would never warn Noah she was about to get angry. She’d just do it, Bam lots of water. And forget those forty days and forty nights without any contact. You piss off a woman and you’re going to know about it everyday until you’ve apologized in every method conceivable. 

If you scan through the Bible, they never really touch upon this Noah tale again, but if god were a woman she’d bring this up in every argument afterwards.

Now let’s move ahead on to point number three, Jesus.

Now the idea of the Son of God could go either way on the gender debate, but here’s the big picture. The Bible has the sweet baby Jesus stories then nothing. Suddenly Jesus is all grown up and can take care of all his own mortal needs. No stories in the middle, nada.

Hello! Can anyone say classic deadbeat dad scenario? No woman would leave her only son out of the “good book” ever. In fact there would be tons of pictures and hundreds of cute stories about what Jesus said or did that was “absolutely adorable!” Now I know deadbeat dad is a bit of a heavy title, I’m sure God was very busy, I mean look at the job title, God. You put that label on your desk and you know you’re going to have one hell of a caseload. 

And Jesus dying on the cross and coming back to life? That’s the ultimate example of a dad telling his son to “take it like a man” and “walk it off”.

I’m not saying that the fairer sex isn’t right fit for such a position. I just think the facts are stacked against a matriarchal being of omnipotence. 

God as structured by the Christian faith is most certainly leaning towards the trappings of a bloke. Look at the state the world is in now. We’re constantly aware of an abundance of hunger, war, disease, and death. The horsemen are out there and they’re taking practice runs.

And what is God doing? He’s leaving the mess for somebody else to clean up.

What a typical male.

Just so you know…

One Comment!

  1. Brown Suga'

    LOL – good points and very convincing! (I’m female.) Mind if I repost this on my blog? Duly credited, of course.

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